One Year

I can't believe that it has been one year already!!! This is the day I found out the worst news ever!!!!! this year to me has been so fast!!! I can remember everything like it was yesterday!  People always ask how I did it, going through this and what people don't realize is we are still going through it and it is hard!!! when Fatu was in the hospital I was fine I thought we can get through this.  The day we got home my attitude changed and I thought that I could not handle this trial and I cried just about everyday wanting everything to go back to normal.  It really tested my faith in the Lord which I will get into on later posts as I tell you about the experiences we had as we came home.  I often wanted to give up and stop going to church but just couldn't cause I knew that it would not make everything alright.  I have learned so much from this trial and it has changed me a lot.  I am still learning so much and I probably will from this the rest of my life.  I often thought in the early stages of being home why did this happen to us? what did we do wrong? I would be a brat cause I would listen to people in testimony meeting or anywhere and hear what they were going through and I would come home and just get so mad because I would tell Fatu "They think they have it bad, I would trade them trials any day, I would love to be going through what they are going through instead of what we are going through, why couldn't we have gotten that trial instead?"  YES that is mean but I have learned that people go through different trials for different reasons and they need to go through them to learn and grow from them which I am still doing.  What I don't get is people who say "That was a big trial you went through I don't know how you did it"  OK well yes it is a big trial and even though it has been a year we are still going through that trial we have just learned to keep them to our self for nobody to really see it and we will be going through it for the rest of our lives we just learned that this trial we are still going through should not weigh us down and take over our lives.  If we did let it we would be pretty miserable people right now.  Me and Fatu would always talk about if only you did not lose your arm or if only you lost your arm at the elbow things would not be so bad but then we have learned that if he did not lose his arm many lesson and opportunities would have not come up.  Not only that but we would not be the people we are now.  I know not only did we needed to be tested but it was to help us be better people and I have learned that I do not need all the things I use to have, I can live without of a lot of stuff that I had before.  

Rehab

After Fatu's shoulder amputation he had to relearn how to stand, walk, dress himself, and even learning how to go the bathroom.  The Dr.s sent him down to rehab in the hospital to learn how to do all of these things.  I can't believe how fast you can forget to even stand.  Every day Fatu had therapy he first started to learn how to stand then he would learn how to walk.  This took about 3 weeks for him to get the walking down and then they started to teach him to go up the stairs.  This was hard because it took a lot of energy out of him.  He still could not take a shower by himself he had to be in a wheel chair to take a shower.  So, everyday I would give him a shower and do his wound care cause the nurses at the rehab did not know how to dress his wounds or what to use.  So, I told the nurses what to order and  to not touch his wounds and I would do it cause I did not want them to mess it up. Not only that but they would tell me that he did not need a bath everyday.  I didn't care what they said I would wheel Fatu in the shower room everyday.  I remember when it was time to give Fatu a bath it would take 2 hours cause then right after we would have to dress his wounds.  It was exhausting for a 100lb wife giving someone a bath that really could not help much because his left arm was still very weak he could not pick anything up over 5lbs.  But I did not mind doing it cause he is my husband.  It was hard getting use to him not having his right arm because I would sit on his bed with him on the right side and bump his shoulder it was so painful for him. Or, I would learn my head on his right shoulder and he would start to scream.  The worst was right after I gave him a bath I was wheeling him out and his wheel chair foot rest was in the way and for some reason I could not get it through the door I was so pissed so I decided to take it off and I was having a hard time taking it off I was so mad saying some words I should have not said and finally it came off  I held it up and as I was grabbing the wheel chair handle the foot rest came swinging around and hit Fatu in the shoulder.  That was sad cause he was screaming and crying.  I felt so bad that I started to cry and I threw that foot rest across the room I could not touch his shoulder to rub it cause that would have hurt even more so I held his hand.  Fatu's rehab experience was hard work he fell a couple of times once trying to go to the bathroom by himself the nurse caught him and told him to go back to his bed to get his shoes on because he just had his socks on and as he was almost to the bed he fell and hit his shoulder on the bed rail.  The one thing that Fatu enjoyed about his rehab stay is having a room mate.  All of you that know Fatu knows that he loves to talk!!!!! I mean talk A LOT!!!! so that was good for him.  He got to come home for about 2 hrs.  we had to come home so that the occupational therapist could see what we needed in our home for Fatu to come home.  Fatu did not want to leave the house.  I did not realize all the things that we needed to make it safe for Fatu.  Fatu had one more surgery to go through then he could come home.  His skin graft over his right knee did not stick so they had to redo that one.  So we headed back up to the Burn Center Fatu was so excited that he got to come back up to the Burn Center he loved being in that unit because he loved all the nurses and the HCA'S.  Fatu did not want to go through surgery anymore but we had to tell him that this is the last one then you can go home in 7 days.  The surgery went good and Fatu wanted to go home so bad!!! on the 6th day the doctor gave us the thumbs up that he could go home tomorrow.  He was so excited that on the 7th day he was ready to leave as soon as he woke up.  Discharging takes a long time but finally at around 5:00 pm he was FREE!!!! I was scared and happy and that same time.  Scared because I was afraid that he was going to fall at home or he would fall as I was tying to help him up the stairs.  Their is not much I can do to help him not fall cause I am just so little the nurses and HCA'S caught him but I knew that I could not!!!!  The one thing that we would miss is playing jokes on the nurses and HCA'S in the Burn Unit but whoooaaa WE ARE HOME!!!!!!!

The physical therapist had to lay off of me for a week for me to recover from losing my arm so I lost a lot of the progress that I had made in the walking aspect. I remember laying there in pain and my mom called me on the phone she was devastated by me losing my arm she said " I prayed you wouldn't lose your arm and you did so I'm a bit angry" I told her "I knew I was going to lose it when I woke up the first time" and told her not to lose her faith often when I was growing up she was the source of my strength  so I'm sure she was just being emotional.

I remember sleeping allot and feeling a lot listening to people that would call in and cry for me one of my old bosses called me and cried a lot I remember feeling his pain and telling him "don't worry about me I'll make it" I remember one night at about 2 in the morning hearing a women crying and another women trying to comfort her. Her husband had been brought in two weeks previous and he had passed away.... I remember feeling her pain and crying for her and praying for her in my heart.

Then the nerve Drs. decided it was time to take the bulb out of my right shoulder. I was laying on this scratchy mesh thingy that was so hot I lost a lot of sleep those nights they took it out and I remember the pain was not so bad at first but again it was on a weekend and on Saturday I was in such pain I couldn't think so I told the intern so they tried to contact the nerve Drs. but of course they were absent until monday so I lay there in pain again....

Finally they came Monday it must've been early and they must've been in trouble because they were in a hurry and Shellise wasn't there I remember them telling me about the danger of if they missed the nerve I could be paralyzed but by then I was in so much pain I could care less I signed the waiver and lay there as the voices got muffled as I felt the shot in my shoulder and wondered if I was paralyzed then I felt I real sharp pain in my shoulder and my whole body jumped and my body went limp they asked me if I could move my toes and I couldn't and we waited for  while and I could.

So I had a bunch of gauze stuffed in my right shoulder packed really tight to keep all my inner parts inside of me and they were wrapped with ace bandages and the Drs. determined that it was time to take the gauze off and out to see if the suture would hold so they told me they would prep me by giving me all the necessary pain killers possible so they started loading me up one day before and gave me a morphine dropper. They hauled me in rolled me in on my side gave me my clicker and told me it can only drop one drop a minute so I lay there holding shellises hand. There was a couple Drs. and some of my buddy  nurses there. they began to expose the wound and pull the ace bandages off which was a bit relieving because the pressure then they started watering the wound which also was relieving but then they started pulling the gauze out of the interior of my shoulder and I could actually feel them pulling the inside of my shoulder and I was trying to hold back all my tears doing ok but as they were pulling them out They ran into two gauze that were just stuck to the interior of my shoulder wall. I remember screaming in agony and pain and crying and looking at the nurses and Drs. who I knew personally and thinking in my head wow Jesus must've been one tough guy to go not only through all physical pain but spiritual also. I remember pushing the button to the morphine over and over and nurses saying "Fatu you know that only works every minute right" and me gritting my teeth with tears saying "I don't care". So Dr. Cochran finally looked at me and said "Fatu this is it, it's going to hurt really bad but I'm going to get it out ok" and me crying saying "do it"!!!!!! that was the most physical pain I've ever experienced. Oh yeah they did get it out....

i remember waking up and hurting so bad that i couldn't think so i looked at my nurse and told him you have two options you can cut my bandages because i cant breath or you can give me a blessing. I remember him running into the hall way to get another priesthood holder and coming back and giving me a blessing and then I passed out.

I remember sporadically seeing him feeding me and then slipping back to sleep. I remember waking up next to Georgia a women nurse on Sunday and asking her what day it was, she responded it was Sunday and I remember telling her I couldn't remember Saturday or Friday.

I remember  then the big deep absence of losing my arm. I remember feeling the pain on Friday but now I could finally bare it without passing out. I had this large bulb on my right shoulder I asked what it was for and they told me it was for my nerve pain. They told me it would be wrapped for a couple of days and then they would remove the bandages and check the sutures. I continued learning to walk and having fun with al the nurses and Shellise continued coming every day and pushing me around in this thing they called a cardiac chair. Shellise and I would go on these little adventures around the hospital, it was pretty funny because she was so little she could barely push the huge chair around. One time she pushed me all the way outside and I was so tired for some reason. By the time we got out there I felt sick and I felt so bad I didn't want to tell Shellise that I felt sick finally i couldn't hold it in anymore and told her we gotta go in before I throw up.  So poor little Shellise had to push me all the way back up to the fourth floor and I lay back in my bed.

Sept. 17 2008

This is a Photo of Fatu right before his surgery.  Me, Makai, and my mother were waiting with him until they took him into the operation room.  The surgery did not take that long it only took an 2 hours the Dr. told us that it went really well.  The surgery he had is a shoulder disarticuation and that is all they did they could not close it meaning they just had to amputate his arm and not sew it up.  They had to leave it open to make sure that the infection was gone.  They were going to leave it open for 3 days and then if no signs of infections they would close it.  I asked them what happens if their still is an infection and it is in his chest the Dr. told me to just wait and lets see what happens.  To me that did not sound very good if she did not want to talk about it.  I was soooo worried!!!! I could not help but think Heavenly Father would not let Fatu get worse would he? at this point I did not know what to think since everything I had thought that wouldn't happen to us did happen.  Then I thought NO!!! THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE!!! and that is exactly what I told Fatu.  This is were Fatu broke down and could not handle it anymore.  These 3 days of his shoulder being exposed was another trial itself.  I always saw Fatu being so positive and nothing could get in his way until this last surgery.  My husband was in sooooooo much pain he did not want to continue he just wanted to give up and die.  I will not get to graphic but if you have a really weak stomach you probably don't want to read this next part.  The reason why Fatu was in so much pain is because the Dr. had to come in everyday to look at his shoulder she wanted to make sure that there was no signs of infections.  To do this the nurses had to prep Fatu meaning that they would have to take the bandages off and take the gauze out which was packed sooo deep between his armpit and going into his chest. The first day they did this the gauze was stuck inside his chest and they were pulling it and Fatu was screaming and crying they would get a syringe and squirt inside his chest but it was not working it was just pulling on his tissue and muscle.  I could not help but just hold his hand kissing him while crying.  I had never seen Fatu be in ssooooo much pain he was screaming!!!! I tried to calm him down nothing worked! I looked up at the Dr.'s and nurses and I saw one of the Dr.s crying and two nurses crying.  At this moment I couldn't help but think of Jesus all the pain he went through for us.  I could not stop crying I was trying to tell Fatu that it will be okay and that he can do this because he is the strongest person I know.  They finally got it out after this experience Fatu's attitude changed.  For three days he was depressed and wanted to know why Heavenly Father just didn't let him die.  Nothing could really cheer him up.  The night before his surgery to close his shoulder he said he was nervous and did not want anymore surgery's. He told me he was done and can no longer keep going.  We talked for about 2 hours and then I suggested a blessing.  He was hesitant for awhile thought about it and said I guess I will get one.  I asked him who he wanted me to call.  He wanted my father and by brother Mario to give him a blessing and wanted my brother to actually give him the blessing.  They arrived and gave him a blessing Fatu thanked them for coming and broke down and told them that that is exactly what he needed!!! he told us that he can do this and that everything will be okay.  His surgery went really good!!!!!

Sept. 16, 2008

I got to the hospital today @ 10:00 am. I got to Fatu's room and he was not in his room.  I went to the front desk and asked them where he was they told me he got bumped to first surgery and he is still in the O.R. they were just going to look at his right arm nothing major.  They told me that it was going to probably take another hour so I told Dr. Paul that I would be back.  When I turned around a nurse that was in the O.R. with Fatu told me he will be back in his room in 10 min.  Then I saw Dr. Cochran, one of Fatu's Doctors she had a look on her face that I know did not look good.  She told me she would come and talk to me in just a min.  I went into Fatu's room and then Dr. Cochran walked in with the social worker. The same one who took me to Fatu the first time I got to the hospital.  I sat down and then they both sat down no one was talking I was thinking in my head "This is not good news they have bad news about his right arm." Then I thought "The social worker is here she is never here unless it is bad news.  Dr. Cochran sighs twice then i knew something was wrong.  She told me that they looked at his right arm to see if they could find any good muscle she said that they went all the way to the bone and did not find any good muscle.  The area that they were looking at was right between the elbow and shoulder.  She said that that whole area was infected and that we need to amputate that arm tomorrow before the infection goes into his chest.  I did not know what to say.  I then said "ok hopefully that infection does not go into is chest."  They asked me if I wanted to tell Fatu or if they wanted Dr. Cochran to tell him.  I immediately told them that I wanted tell him.  Fatu came back into his room 10 min later.  He was still out of it and they told me he would be for about half the day.  My father called and I had told him the news and I told him that I did not tell Fatu yet cause I was waiting for him to wake up.  The nurse told me that we had a visitor I told her no visitors today.  She came back with a card.  I opened it up and the card said " If it's true that adversity builds character your character's been getting quite a workout lately! Hang in There" It also said "just a reminder to keep believing , keep working and keep trusting in the Lord and recognizing his tender mercies and mindfulness of you !"  what better timing I thought to myself and I just started to cry! I was hoping that Fatu would take the news ok.  My father got to the hospital and waited with me for Fatu to wake up.  I just wanted to tell him but Fatu kept waking up and then falling back asleep.  Finally, I told him while my father helped me.  I told him how they did not find any good muscle and that it was all infected and how they need to amputate his right arm tomorrow.  He was not surprised that they were going to have to amputate his arm but he was surprised that they were going to do it the next day.  He was scared of the surgery he did not want to go through anymore pain or surgery's.  This was not going to be a good surgery cause not only were they going to amputate his arm but they were also going to re graft his right knee cause his first skin graft did not take. I knew he was not going to be happy about this.  It is hard to tell him that it will be okay.  The only thing I could tell him is that he is strong and that I know that he can do this.